The siren sings a lonely song
Of all the wants and hungers
The lust of love a brute desire
The ledge of life goes under
Divide the dream into the flesh
Kaleidoscope and candle eyes
Empty winds scrape on the soul
But never stop to realize
I spent all night attempting to sleep, unable to do so due to an uncontrollable urge to swallow repeatedly. I had nothing in my mouth, no pressure I could discern to make me want to swallow, but I couldn't stop.... Took a few cough drops, and managed to meditate myself to sleep after a while, except for between three and four or so AM, when I was up again swallowing. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as the uncontrollable hiccups I had for days after New Year's Eve. Those actually wracked my chest muscles and diaphragm to pieces. This I'll hopefully get over, but the sinus pressure makes me wonder if it's more than that. I'm taking meds to be on the safe side.
Right now I'm just a fucking wreck. I know the adage, "If you love something, let it go, if it comes back, it was meant to be." I guess either nothing was ever meant to be in my life, or that saying's full of it. Every time I've let something go, I end up waving bye-dee-bye to it for good. Every single instance of me attempting to test this theory. Compound that with the fact that I've tried to let the person in question go a few times to test and see if it's right before, just to get told that they'd never call back or come back... because that's the way they are. When they asked me to let them go, quoting that adage, knowing that I knew that fact about them, I was destroyed.
Every essence of my being wants to do what is required, and I've realized that I can do it, and that I've been an utter asshole tool for not doing it all this time. I'm fully prepared to do everything required, thinking and being the good guy I want to be. But I don't get this chance. I've wasted all my chances, and now that I'm one hundred and ten percent committed to doing it..... I don't get to. I feel like I'm going to burst.
Must go and scream or something.