I miss her.
Every time a car alarm is set, the short horn beep, I race to the window hoping it is her. It never is. Every time I see a dark Jetta on the road with New York plates, I speed up or slow down to see if it is her. It never is. Every time I wake up, I roll over hoping that mass next to me is her, instead of a pillow. It never is. Every time I wake up, I hope that this break up has just been a horrible nightmare. It is, but it's not going away.
I would do anything for her, except apparently listen or grow. I would do anything, I would give a kidney in a heartbeat. I would do the right things if I knew how, and I know she's mapped out what exactly she needed and I tried.. I've been trying, and I used up all of my chances. Every change or growth I asked of her, she made, and I didn't make as many. We failed, I failed. chiquib went off on me, about how I never hear anything except what I want to hear, and how I just didn't work right with my sweetie like I didn't belong with her. She suggested I need someone more fitting. Fuck that. I don't want someone who has no self-esteem and doesn't care that I'm a selfish asshole. I want a real decent human being, like they both were, and to treat them right. But that's where I fail. I'm not going to settle for a shallow pathetic wretch who puts up with me walking all over them, I've been there, I want a strong person who is their own person and not just the dregs on the bottom of my cup. A partner. But I'm not mature enough to handle that, I see.
I've downloaded every recent entry in her online journal, studying them. She suggested recently that perhaps I should be reading her online journal despite her not wanting me to. I have been, she knows this. I know she reads mine. The little 'I know he probably thinks' statement in a recent entry, I know she's reading. She says in one entry that she blames no one, and in another that she tried and maybe I tried too. Conflicting messages, me over analyzing everything, me being so full of questions and things to say, and no way to express it. I need to respect her wishes, no matter how much agony that leaves me in. This is not going easy. I wish I could just sit and talk with her, for one night. But she gave me many chances to do so, hundreds of chances, and I blew them all.
I miss her. I've lost one of the most precious things in my life, a most wonderful person.
Everyone's got their own perspective. Everyone's got their own advice. I'm just trying to see past my baggage, preconceived notions, and figure out what I need to do for myself.