March 1st, 2002

A Lesson is Learned But The Damage Is Ir

Post V-Day blues

Last night was Drew's big V-Day. Chocolate Vaginas for sale to help the Honduras Project, various deans and such performing the Vagina Monologues, and an Indigo Girls concert to kick it off. Friends of mine from central Jersey came up for the event, and it could have been a good night.

If I hadn't totally screwed it up by pressuring someone and keeping on their case for days about making it on time, and then ending up forty minutes late myself. I thus became a jackass, and the entire night was spent being bitter and/or fighting.

I don't know why I screw up the way I do. I show up late, and it turns into an all-out screaming war with me being grabbed and yelled at between trucks nearby. I just can't live like this, always fucking up, and I don't know how to stop.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's not me. Maybe I go after people that are way too fucking bitter, in their own words. Maybe I pick people with short fuses just because I like to push them over that edge subconsciously. I don't know what my problem is, and I'm wondering if it is even entirely my problem anymore.

I came very close to just walking away for good last night. But I always say that.

I took off today from work, so I could spend the post V-Day off relaxing with them. But she had a morning meeting, she leaves her cell phone in my room, I run back to my room and get it, run back to my office to sit and wait for her meeting to end, and give it to her. Now she's off to go home, get dressed up, and go off with friends until late, when she's coming back to my place because my place is closer to a meet she has to go to. So my day off has become a day I've spent driving around or in my office. She feels bad, I felt bad, I got over it, but I know that she can't take a day off for months... and I have to accept that.

I wonder if Mary's right, that this might be a transition period out of things. With her and I, after a couple of years of near-cohabitation, constant sex, and togetherness... we drifted. We saw each other infrequently, we split apart, and eventually one of our constant breakups became the big one. I wonder if this is the transition period out of things, where the relationship is slowly withering and dying on the vine. It terrifies me. Not just as the child of multiple divorces who has to make everything work to break the cycle. Not just as the clingy co-dependant needy smothering self-centered prick I am. But it really does terrify me to ever lose someone that I love. But maybe this is happening, and I'm better off thinking clearly.

I know all of my friends are biased. They see me being a great guy, and her being a bitch. They don't see me tearing her a new one to be on time, and then showing up late. They don't see me picking fights with her every night, they just see her being bitter afterwards. They don't see the asshole that I really am, except for Pete. And Pete's opinion I trust more than any others.

Hell, my friends can't even see each other correctly. Aaron thinks that he's the generous kind soul who offered to split goods with the group last time they got shorted, who's getting the shaft this time. Doug thinks that Aaron's the prick who won't give money to get Towel Boy a DVD player on his birthday due to a lack of funds, yet suddenly has money for his vices. Dave thinks Aaron's the prick who shorted him ten dollars. Whatever people, we're all imperfect friends here. Aaron shouldn't be looking out for himself before Towel Boy, or not spending money on vices and shorting Towel Boy. Doug shouldn't be shorting Aaron when everyone got shorted. Dave should get over $10.

I'm just amazed at how melodramatic and babyish everyone is. I know I'm often perceived as the melodramatic tormented soul child..... but as Confucious(sp?) said, you hate most in others what you hate most in yourself. It's why the kid with a few pounds always picks on 'lard-ass', it's why my stepmother picked on my lack of finances while living off of my dad's money for decades, and so on.

I just want to go home, finish my book, and work on CS. I'm almost done with the BotF sick and twisted abduction code.
  • Current Music
    The hum of a dying computer.