Happy happy love love, sleep sleep sleep.
There's a ton of bands that I'd rush out and buy CD's for if I had serious disposable income. From mainstream classic acts like U2 that I've always meant to get more of to random bands like Snog that some MOOer shot me a few MP3s from. I know I could have MOOers or my sweetheart burn me a CD, but for some reason I'm just not behind pirating music. Mix CD's for specific purposes, nabbing rares and hard to find songs, those kind of things I'm entirely behind. Full scale burning of a dozen CDs that you can run out and purchase from your local CD store for ten to twenty bucks each. I mean, look at all the various excuses.... like poverty, information wanting to be free, or various other rationalizations. There's some songs I have that I don't legally own. There's a game or two I have a copy of that I don't legally own. I'm no angel... but I still don't think it's right.
Sometimes I love finding things like this online.
A bit of a back story.
A couple of weeks ago I got a prepaid cell phone. Few minutes, and I pay for them.
There are two lines in the condo. One is in both bedrooms and the kitchen. The other is only in my room, the 'Internet line'. Up until a couple of weeks ago, there were phones hooked up to the main line in the kitchen and their bedroom. There was a computer and phone hooked up to the other line in my room. When my girlfriend wanted to talk to me, she called the line in my room, and could reach me at one in the morning without worry of waking anyone else up or pissing anyone off. A few times in the past she's been stranded at the airport or I've been a few hours late and she's called the main line out of concern and gotten torn a new one by my roomies. So she only calls the secondary line, they don't get bothered, and all was well. The computer in my room everyone used. Dave used it to eBay, Erin used it for hours every day, and Doug spanked it to porn. When I came home from work and someone was using it, I'd let them use it however long they needed. Even if it was Doug with his pants around his ankles, insisting that Dave or Erin stay online and do what they needed to do until they were done. Even if it was past eleven. I knew that Dave's computer at work sucked, Doug's computer was ancient, Erin sometimes didn't have a job... and she needed the computer most of all. She's just as much of an online geek as I am, blogging and farking and using half a dozen different IMing programs. It seemed that every couple of months there would be a new instant messaging client on my computer. Knowing how it is to have an online addiction and no computer, I sympathized with her and let her run wild.
Dave got Erin a new computer. Dave threw a splitter on the modem line, and she's got her own computer now. Cool, no problems. She's on it most nights from eight or nine until sometime after two. No problem, if it's after midnight I just switch my computer to using the main line and no one's the wiser. If I'm online and she doesn't know that, she bumps me off. No worries, I don't do any major downloading since I've got much better bandwidth at work. Since she's gotten it, she's started asking me first, and I log off to let her use the line. Not a problem. So it sounds like everything's happy and co pathetic... so where's the issue?
Dave pays the phone bill. He's snapped at Doug and I a few times for the phone bill, and I've had my sweetie call me most of the time. It makes more sense that way, not just being a selfish prick here. She's using a cell phone. She never uses up all of her minutes. If I call her, Dave pays long distance AND she pays for minutes. If she calls me, she pays for minutes. Money is saved. But now the line's busy. In the past, my sweetie's been able to IM me, get me to log off, and then calls me.... but she can't just ask Erin to log off. So what does she do? If she calls my cell phone, both of us pay for minutes. And I pay for minutes, so the phone's only being used for emergencies and short "I'm stuck in traffic Aaron, I'll be at the train station soon" type two minute calls. Not pouring your heart and soul out to someone for hours. So last night, unable to talk any other way, she called the main line at one before I could hook my phone into the main line. And Dave snapped at her. I understand him snapping at her, he just got woken up. She apologized right off the bat, he had none of it, and questioned her about me having a cell phone. At this point I was in the hallway with him, and I said the cell phone pays per minute. He pointed out that he pays the phone bill, I used logic to point out that he doesn't pay for incoming (waving the portable in my hand) calls. Mumbling angrily, he went back to bed.
Yeah, he pays the phone bill. I pay rent. I no longer pay the phone bill. When I moved in, I was promised the room, half of the living room, the closet in the living room, and that he wouldn't smoke in the condo. For months I made visitors smoke outside, until they noticed he was going ahead and smoking inside. At first, he apologized. After a while, he stopped. Two people have moved in, and my rent hasn't dropped a dime. So I pay the same rate for half a living room, a closet, a room with closet and living with one other person.... though now I've got a room, sharing the bathroom with three people, and no closet in the living room for storage.
The love rectangle my roomie mentions is what really ruined it all.
Guy A wants Girl A who is dating Guy B.
Guy C who is living with Guy A sleeps with Girl A.
Guy A is pissed at Girl A (justified) and Guy C (justified).
Girl A makes Guy A look like the bad person behind the whole drama to Guy B, making Guy A even MORE justifiably pissed.
Girl B, after a one-night stand with Guy C, ends up involved with Guy A and is now engaged to him.
Girl C, after trying to form a relationship with Guy A's best friend, sleeps with Guy C and getting involved with him for a year and a half and counting, however chaotic.
So here we are now, almost two years later. Guy B and Girl A are still together. Guy C and Girl C are together, however chaotic and rocky things are at times. Guy A and Girl B are engaged. Guy A is still bitter and resentful towards Guy C to this day. And while Guy C was a complete and utter asshole for the selfish uncaring shit he pulled..... can't really do much about it now.
A mutual friend watched the living situation, and commented on it to Guy C about Guy A.
friend: GUY A IS ENGAGED...and you arent even with Girl A, so Guy A needs to get over it finally
Guy C: Yeah.
Guy C: Guy A's still so bitter about Girl A that it clouds everything ever having to do with Guy C.
Guy C: Well, no, Guy C still did wrong against Guy A. Guy A being engaged has nothing to do with Guy C being an asshole, but yeah, Guy C see your point.
friend: Guy A could have Girl A now, but he has Girl B...so what the fuck does Guy A have to be bitter about
friend: Guy A should love Guy C instead of being bitter with Guy C because had Guy C not been with Girl A, Guy A and Girl B would not have gotten together and Guy A would never have found his fiancee
friend: so Guy C didn't do anything wrong to Guy A, Guy C got someone out of his way from getting with Girl B if Girl B really is the one for Guy A
friend: "yeah yeah yeah, I love you Girl B, but I am still so pissed and bitter towards Guy C for stealing a girl from me that gave me the chance to get involved with you."
friend: "oh, but I really do want to spend the rest of my life with you of course, but I still hold these ridiculous feelings about some girl that I am going to take into our marriage and one day you will question if I really want to be with you because I am still bitter at Guy C for stealing some girl that should mean nothing to me since I am married to you"
Now, I don't entirely agree with that. I think that you can be bitter towards someone who wronged you, and that doesn't mean ANYTHING about your present relationship. If someone sleeps with someone else who they KNEW you were madly in love with, you can fall madly in love with someone else and still resent the asshole. The asshole wronged you. You don't want the harlot who fucked your ex-friend, you want the person you're madly in love with. You being bitter to the person who fucked you over has no impact on your present relationship situation.
This was the DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA that we were all swimming up to our necks in two years ago. This fucked up little love dodecahedron made things nasty, ugly, and painful for many parties involved. I think the greatest line EVER about the whole situation came from Girl B. Guy B put his foot in his mouth, and responded with a comment about Girl B and Guy A being a great couple. Her response? "Yeah, after I got him over your little slut girlfriend." That just about sums it up. Guy A == wronged, Guy B == cheated on, Guy C == asshole, Girl A == slut, Girl B == happy, Girl C == semi-happy.
I thought this drama was over. Ever since then, things have been strained as Erin pointed out in her journal. As she says:
russ...russ is a special story. he and doug were friends in college. that's how we got our pet doug in fact (did i mention doug lives in part of our living room?). i like russ. dave has problems with him. stemming mostly from a dramatic and assine love rectangle the two of them were involved in last year, that friendship was never fixed. bloody fucking chicks. so, he (and this one even has a bedroom!) has been living with dave longer than i, in a fairly strained environment. he tires to make conversation with dave, but it never works out pretty.
I've tried. Every time I order food, go to the store, or cook something... I offer. Even if it's my last box of mac and cheese and I'm waiting a couple of days to get paid. My sweetie and I are always trying to make conversation, but neither one of us deals well with smoke. I'm allergic to cig smoke, and might not have moved in if I had known it would be done in the place. Our schedules don't mesh well.... They get up earlier than I do, and I stay up later. Many times I'm showing up just as they go to bed. I make sure to always say goodbye, and I get them Christmas and Birthday gifts. Well, Erin's gift for her birthday that just passed has been a bitch because every time I try and get it, some bad shit goes down and dammit I need to kill people to get it. Anyway, I try and spend time with them. Late nights Dave's watching tapes, I sit out and join him, even if I have other things to do. Erin and I chat about all of our little online dramas and happenings and geeky Internet fun. I really think they're cool people.
While I'm not happy with Dave's, as Erin put it, abruptness and distance, I still love the guy. He's quirky, crazy, entertaining, clever, hilarious, and a dedicated friend. I wouldn't have felt like the biggest pile of steaming shit two years ago if I had betrayed the friendship of an asshole. Dave, despite his little issues, is a wonderful guy. Dedicated to his friends, his family, and his love. Anything they ever need or would need, he's there for. Even after I hurt him in the most unimaginable way possible, he's still given me a better place to live than I could ever find, and expressed kindness to friendship at surprising times to me.
Erin's a great chick. While she can be a territorial bitch or gossiper (all traits I'm guilty of as well) at times, she's a very cool person. She's brutally honest, creative, loving, protective, caring, and just a downright cool person. One of the coolest people I've met. Pretty much anything she passes to me, print, online, whatever medium.... is always something right up my alley that I voraciously gobble up. I thought I was a well-connected finder of things that are cool, but this woman's just a cornucopia of cool shiznit.
Now, I know I listed some flaws with both. Hell, every single person I know has flaws. My other roomie has problems relating to women except in a maternal or pornographic way, unless they're untouchable in a 'Catcher in the Rye' sense, and never calls friends back. Neither do I, most of the time. One of our mutual friends is a bit on the selfish side, another one's a downright arrogant prick at times, another's rather rude at inappropriate moments, another's a bit too extreme about everything, and most have more than one of the aforementioned traits. I don't want to make it seem that Erin or Dave suck. They're great people. I wouldn't try to make things better if they weren't. I'd have moved back into my office. They're cool people. And I know I'm a bitch to live with. My room's usually almost as messy as the living room. My chaotic relationship involves late-night phone calls and people storming off madly at two in the morning. I'm not the best of roomies, and I know it.
Like Erin puts it in one of the most amazing honest powerful things I've read this week, though it is only Monday, it has been tense for months. Hell, she's wrong. It's been tense for years. I talk to an ex of mine who's become great friends with Dave's best friend about moving in with my sweetheart. She insists I live on my own first. She gives me a list of suggestions. She tells Dave's best friend that I need to move out on my own, Dave's best friend tells Dave that he heard I was moving out, another person overhears Dave telling Erin that he heard I was moving out, and I hear the distorted truth back that way. Yeah, I know I don't talk to him about all that's going on. I try. I ask how his day's going, how work is, how things are in his life... and he's not as open as he was before I played hide the salami with the slut he fell for that a mutual friend was dating. I know I can try harder, keep him posted on everything. I know I sit in my office until eight or so at night, enjoying the high speed Internet access instead of spending time with my co-habitators. I remember when he and Erin were dating.,... he'd be gone most of the time, driving to her place or driving from her place, or out with her. Now the situation's reversed. For many months, I was never around, as my sweetie lived two hours away. I'd spend days and weekends there, since as a coach she couldn't come to my place. And that caused the rift to grow. Now I'm often going to her place, or going out with her, and the rift just keeps on growing, little sheep and pheasants falling in. Like Erin says in her blog, and I agree, we don't like strife or conflict. And as she says, Dave is justified on many accounts. Like her, I wish I could fix things. But I don't think they can be fixed as long as we live under the same roof. As much as I hope they could be, I don't know if it's possible... there's years of bitterness and rift to sift through, and while I can say 'Fuck it' and hug them both... would it really help? What would happen the next time Cynthia calls after eleven on the main line? What happens the next time something happens to test our relationships? I don't know.
I'd love to be in a happy household. I haven't had that since before my mom and Bearcat got involved, as I was too resentful towards Bearcat for that household to be loving until after I moved out. I don't remember what having a home you want to go home to for other people is like. I know what wanting to go home and play a computer game is like. I know what wanting to go home and watch TV is like. I know what wanting to go home and meet up with a lover is like. But I don't remember wanting to go home to spend time relaxing with a 'family' is like. I love all three of my roomies, but things are just tense there. Maybe it's all my fault. I create drama, I thrive on drama subconsciously, I'm a selfish asshole, I'm not easy to get along with, I don't know. I really don't know.
Two lines from another conversation about a totally different topic that I loved earlier today:
*CENSORED* (1:33:15 PM) yeah it is...we are all people, we all suffer broken hearts, we all do our dumb mistakes and cant fix them...so why the hell cant every just fucking get along and be peaceful?
*CENSORED* (1:33:38 PM) why the hell does everything in life have to be so god damn dramatic?
I don't think I'll make this post friends-only. Whatever.
Anyway, that's my thoughts, if my stuff is at the curb when I get home, I guess I'll be spending much more time online.